My Issues
- shame.
- shame for my existence.
- shame for being loved when I feel I'm undeserving.
- shame for needing, asking for, and accepting help when I feel I'm undeserving.
- a pathological, inexplicable urge to self-destruct.
- refusal to accept or seek help.
- refusal to admit to other people that I’m struggling or doing poorly mentally.
- refusal to communicate my struggles because of insecurities and fear of being a burden.
- refusal to accept help or listen to advice of others.
- pushing myself.
- pushing myself too much and putting myself in situations that I will struggle in because I’m afraid stepping back and doing less will mean I’m deficient and thus less than those I admire and thus letting those people down and confirming my deep insecurities that i am not good enough and am fundamentally less than everyone else.
- refusal to admit I’m pushing myself because that will mean I can’t handle what other people handle with ease, which means that I’m deficient and less than, etc etc.
- denial of the fact that pushing myself and refusing to admit I’m pushing myself will hurt people I love and care about
- pushing myself because I hate myself, a belief I deserve to suffer because of my differences and perceived deficiencies.
- pushing myself because I wish to die, because I hoped (hope?) that pushing myself so far will push me to suicide or any death and then I will no longer have to face people’s disappointments and expectations and concern.
- self-destruction as selfishness -> hurts loved ones -> leads to guilt.
- self-awareness without action, communication without action.
- all or nothing mindset.
- lack of accountability/responsibilty for my health.
- dependence on others to take care of me and provide me accommodations.
- (I need to learn to recognize when I'm struggling and step out, communicate my needs and ask for accommodations).
- talking without action, acknowledgment without change.
- rash decision-making/not explaining decisions.
- (I need to learn to consult professors, parents, therapist, maybe friends, everyone, before I make big decisions).
- realizing things too late.
- not listening to the advice of those who are care and love me.
- (I need to learn to take time to myself to reflect on their advice, see if I disagree, why, admit when they're right/I'm wrong).