I think what I can regulate him to — what I would like to regulate him to — if he’ll allow me, is a safe person with whom I can practice unmasking, being completely myself, platonic communication without overstepping, and against whom I can check myself for signs of breakage. I can discuss this with him and maybe we can come to an agreement or a truce. Then once I have that reassurance of friendship and trust, I’ll feel more enabled to care for myself.
Honestly, focusing on myself is really hard though. I don’t know if I have all the solutions for my problems. Yet my biggest issues are in my mindset, especially the self-destructive tendencies, refusal to communicate and seek or accept help, and pushing myself beyond my limits. Essentially I need to set boundaries with myself, be honest with people, know when to look for help, know how to seek accommodations, and… honestly when it comes to self-destructive tendencies, I’m at a loss for answers. Perhaps I should work on my motivations for living? For so long, I was motivated by spite, which ended up fueling my downfall as I used my suffering to hurt people, to send a message they never received anyhow. Perhaps I should work on my self-esteem as well. I was only ever so self-destructive because I hated myself, hated my perceived deficiencies. Political correctness can only go so far to treat ingrained beliefs about yourself. This is an area I need to think more about.
Back to the motivations though: really, without spite, why should I continue forward? Why should I try to improve at all? I have answers ready, but none of them feel true. Why? I ask. My hollow head echoes back.
I think happiness for happiness’ sake is enough though. I should continue forward because I loved school; I love learning; I love loving people. I want to find people to love. And I want to make my amends so I can ease my guilt. Relieved of the burden of guilt, I can look at the road of ahead of me and run. My life and my character is mine to shape. I can leave the life I had behind; I can leave the person I was behind; and I can change. It won’t happen in a day, but I will make it happen.
I am really going to miss him though. That’s okay, and I know I’ll need time to adjust and process and come to terms with it. It just hurts in the moment, and that’s okay. I’ll come back better.