Moving forward, trying to change and be changed for the better, is going to be difficult. I worry about that. How can I thrive in a world that is so overwhelming? I've been scraping over the coals of the past, wincing as the heat burns my fingers, coughing as smoke envelopes me. I've gone over the biggest moments where things went wrong, where I did something wrong, something dumb. I know now what I could have done better, what I refused to do in the moment, so afraid of admitting to be weak, to be different, deficient. I've revisited the memories over and over.
But the past is behind me. I'm walking towards an uncertain future. Honestly, I'm afraid. What if I fall again? What if I lose more? What if the people I hurt cannot be healed? I'm not sure what my next steps are really going to be. I don’t know what the future looks like, and I’m scared to think about it. I’m scared to commit myself to another thing I may just fail at. I’m scared to fail again — but I won’t let that paralyze me in place. I have to keep going. I have to build myself back together.
When I don't see him for a while (or anyone from that world, like Linder or Jay), they begin to feel unreal. I don't believe them to be fake, but I treat them (in my mind at least) as less real than the people in my immediate area (ie. family). I want to see him, but it's hard to love someone who's half-fake and losing presence in my life. It's hard for me to love from a distance, even if it's just a distance of, well, thirty minutes. It’s hard to love someone who’s less than real.
I can’t tell if the tingling and numbness of my face and hands is from strong emotions, dissociation, tiredness, or all three. Maybe the tiredness pushes me to feel emotions more poignantly, which then pushes me to dissociation. Maybe this all started and worsened when I started to push myself beyond my limits.