Sometimes my anxiety becomes so overwhelming, my heart beats so fast, I start gulping for air like a fish out of water. I open my mouth and breath in but it's not enough and I can't get more, I can't get enough. My heart continues to pound, jumping to my throat, making me want to vomit my organs out, esophagus, stomach, heart, all of it.
I don't really feel well. I'm not texting John back, because I'm just too anxious and nauseous. I'm sure he doesn't mind though. I've been texting him a lot lately. Maybe he needs a break. I need to get my bearings again.
Looking back again... failure to communicate, lack of responsibility for myself, lack of accountability for my issues, denial of all of the above. It all led to here: my self-inflicted loss, my self-inflicted downfall.
If I wasn't so exhausted, I wouldn't have masked so much (as I was masking my exhaustion). If I wasn't so exhausted and masking, I wouldn't have dissociated as much. If I wasn't so exhausted and masking and dissociating, I wouldn't have ended up here. If I took better care of myself and recognized the extent of my limitations and took on less than I could handle, I would not have been so exhausted, which means I wouldn't have been dissociating and masking so much. And honestly the masking and dissociating goes hand in hand at this point. It's kind of like a chicken-or-egg situation. I can't tell which one comes first; I'm not sure it matters.
The problem is not self-awareness. I'm a fairly self-aware person. The problem is action. I never actually do anything constructive about my flaws. I just bemoan them and never change, which is, obviously, my biggest flaw.
Honestly I don’t feel well. Physically mostly. I’ve been throwing up a lot, nausea, loss of appetite, haven’t been eating, face and hands keep going numb and tingling, heart beating outta my chest but its not anxiety, insomnia, haven’t been sleeping much. This on top of all the mental stuff from TRC and all the guilt and grief I feel surrounding it just feels particularly bad. Might be manic, I’m not sure. Worse haha: hungry but can’t eat. Fingers and face go numb from it, feels like shit.