I don’t think it would be healthy for me to fall back in love with him if I’m also unreasonably, almost pathologically afraid of him, of what he could do to me without even meaning to.
Right now though, whenever I think of him, I feel overwhelming anxiety born from grief, guilt, and pain. My memories of him, of us, are trinkets holding sparkles yet are coated with anxious pain.
The problem is that the accumulation of my experience at Grayson has affected me in a way that makes me feel very unsafe when I’m there. It makes me anxious to even think about Grayson or anything that has to do with it. And worse is that certain people make me feel more anxious than others simply by association.