I think I'm on the brink of another depressive episode. I feel this sadness that seems to have come out of nowhere and, while light, seems portent of tomorrow. When I noticed the significance of this sadness, my first thought was "well, what do I do now?" Answers bubbled from my past: what I usually do in episodes: scroll suicide and self-harm forums, indulge in sad music and sad books, lie in bed and sleep all day, quit trying, shut down, clam up. The closest thing I've gotten to death: not eating, not thinking, not speaking or seeing or hearing, just the vacancy of sleep.
But it seems to me that since this is only the brink, maybe I can try to steer away from it. If I just try to keep up, if I continue to take care of myself by walking and journaling and reading and driving and planning, then maybe the depression will be like a dark cloud in the background, noticeable but not all consuming. Then, when enough time passes, it will go away.
And even if I do enter a true episode, then I want to be sure of two things: 1) that this won't last forever, because nothing does, and 2) that I did my best to prevent this, because I tried.