I saw them again. It was anticlimactic, but it was enough to make me truly dissociate: trees looked like claylike cgi and people felt like statues made of clouds. I couldn’t logic myself out of it. It was weird and upsetting. But it wasn’t as bad as it could have been. It just triggered the same thoughts and feelings about my dropping out. I felt very alone, like no one cared and no one wanted me there, like they were actively wishing I wasn’t there. I had the sense that I had been replaced and that I was a ghost. It didn’t feel real. I worry about how the next meeting will be. I’m hoping I’ll have done things that will make any hurt that comes from seeing them muted.
Really, honestly, I’m only there to heal. Like in the Weathers song, “I’m only here just to take back what’s mine” and “On my back but I won’t back down/And I want my heart back now.” I’m there to build myself back up in the environment that I know to be safe but I feel to be dangerous. Am I scared? I realize how paranoid and distrustful I am. Why? Trauma? Whose? Can’t be mine. Perhaps I am just sensitive. Events that otherwise would have been only temporarily painful were destructive for me. That’s a different topic — Refocus: We were talking about Grayson. Right… Like I said, I’m only there to heal myself up, give myself the tools to handle life beyond Grayson and home, then I’ll transfer to Collin, leave them behind for a time while I work to build myself a better life. I’ve only told a few people, those who have asked. I haven’t told Linder, because I don’t think it matters. I’m not a officer anymore. I can do what I want (more or less).
Collin will be about studying to be a pharm. tech., participating in AMT, and taking care of myself. New city, new school, new chance. Take what comes as it does. “It comes and goes in waves.”